I can live without anything or anyone, but I cannot live without God!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Last Day

Well it is the last day of the NaBloPoMo challenge for November. 
I can't remember the last challenge I gave myself and actually finished.
This must be a new beginning for me. I can use that in my life.
Now the question is, should I take it on again for another month? Humm....

The words I write are far from eloquent. They mean little to anyone but me.
I'm pretty sure that nobody has dropped in here to read them. 
It's been fun and something to look forward to with a certain kind of dread every day.
Guess I will have to see what the morning and the blog prompt bring before I can answer the
question of continuing or not.

By the way, if there is someone out there in blog land reading this,
kindly leave me a comment, good, bad, or indifferent. Thanks.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Let the Dog Out

NaBloPoMo prompt of the day: What is the last thing you do before bed?

How do you write a blog about that?
Maybe for you wordy people, it is no problem.
But for me, I am stuck on a four word answer.
Or maybe three different things that I do not necessarily in any order.
Then again, is it actually before I get into bed or after I am already there?

Let's go with the last one.

Nine times out of ten, I pick up a book and read for awhile.
Then turn off the light, plumb my pillows, pull up the covers
and talk to God about my day.
If my sweet husband has made it in the bedroom before I close my eyes,
I say goodnight and fall asleep..

Now if it is before getting in bed, well you know the usual:
LET THE DOG OUT! (Oh but that's not last. I have to let her back in.)

Monday, November 28, 2011


We live in a world full of self centered people who will do evil things to people. It is ugly and should definitely not be tolerated. Parenting has challenges but never, ever is there and excuse for such behavior.
But how out of skew are we to call everything abuse. Parents are afraid to discipline they children the biblical way because they might be accused of abuse. Teachers have no real form of discipline in their classroom because of trepidation they may be accused of some form of it.
My own father could probably been charged with it if he lived today. But I never, even today, thought of it as abuse. His temper flared at my sister's mouth. But it was what he knew. What he grew up with. It wasn't often. It wasn't intentionally trying to hurt her. It was correction.
Experts today are finding all forms of abuse from physical, emotional, verbal and who knows what other labels they are putting on it. I do not argue that there are legitimate cases of such abuse. However, when a loving parent is accused of abuse by their child it is a death blow to the relationship. It can never be the same.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


they are in my thoughts, penetrating my mind.
they are in my heart, drawing out my love.
they are memories, sweetly soothing my wounds.
they are faces of youth, faces of old, and faces in between.
they are gone from my eyes, but i still see them.
they are gone from my touch, but i still feel them.
they are part of me.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Friends, Feelings, and Festivities

Nothing makes one feel more loved and accepted then when they are included in other people festivities. This is the time of year when people celebrate and want to share with those they deem important in their lives. Special ones who make their lives more enjoyable. To be included verifies that you are special to someone. And that just makes you know you have value.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Little Girls Should be Seen, Not Heard

Long ago voices. A child innocently venturing through adult problems without the benefit of understanding. She gets caught in a web of emotions. Her's and theirs. Learned behaviors.

Quiet was the rule of our house. Noisy little girls were not loved, or so it seemed. To be loved and accepted was to stay quiet.  "Daddy has a headache" (again). Leave him alone. Go off and play by yourself. Mommy had a hard day at work, she needs peace and quiet. Don't ask questions. Don't voice your opinions. Just shut up. Learn to stuff whatever you want to say.  Don't be a bothersome child.

So years later, after the pattern of how to "love" is well ingrained; there are children of my own. How do I show them love? There are no good patterns established, so I give them what I know.  Try not to bother them. Leave them alone. Give them their space. Not what they need. They think I don't care.
Never will they understand. Is there even hope of change?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Balancing Act

Do you enjoy being alone or would you rather be around people?


Most of the time I prefer quietly being alone. It s not so much that I actually don't want people around, but I need quiet to accomplish anything. Distractions are killers. They  ave been known to hurt people because of my strong reactions to them. They have made me fail in school because I couldn't focus with them happening around me and get what needed to be done finished.

Then there is the social skills aspect to being with people. I haven't been blessed with the gift of gab. Words are not my friends. Misunderstanding always seems to be the result of anything I say face to face. So just avoiding that is part of liking to be alone.

But I like people. I enjoy being with them. Love to hear laughter and stories, and be part of peoples lives. I care deeply, and want to help where I can. But relationships are tricky and easily messed up. I have a knack for messing them up. Not sure if it is intentional or just bumbling ineptness.

The whole question comes down to balance, which ultimately is the answer for each of us. We need both, and to be healthy is to manage the correct proportion that is right for ourselves.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

One Song???

Pick one song that changed my life?
Another impossible blog prompt.
There are several that come to mind as making an impact, but life changing?


Okay, here it is.

Away In A Manger
It was song sang in our church at Christmas every year.
I have no idea how young I was when I first understood the words about a baby coming and laying in a manger in order to make things right. But at some point I got it.  Really got the message. His goodness. His love for me. How, I have no idea. I was really little. Understand what it all meant in my immature mind? Not possible, yet in my heart, I knew there that this baby was God.

"They who come as little children....."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Who's in Control?

NaBloPoMo prompt of the day:
What is the luckiest thing that ever happened to you and why?

Definition of luck:
1. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; fortune
2. Good fortune or prosperity; success
3. One's personal fate or lot

Our prompt doesn't specify good luck or bad luck which clearly definitions #1 and #3 shows can be either.  My guess is that the prompter was looking for something that fits into #2.

I could write about a string of bad "luck" that has been happening in my life over the past few years, but in all honesty, I don't believe in luck. Everything happens for a reason. How we view it and what growth steps we take from it will make it good or bad.
So I'm pretty much backing down on the personal side of this prompt.

However, there is a situation in the life of a friend that makes me wonder about fate. The choices that change lives. It's not my story to tell, so the details will not be included here. But I ponder the lives of two little people who needed a permanent home. My friend's home was available for one. They were given the challenge of possibly bring both into their lives, but in the end decided to only accept one, not for lack of wanting two, but because they believed that it was the best for them.

Here is what I ponder, just as I'm sure my friend does in her heart, what kind of "luck" is it to be the one chosen to come into a loving family and the "fate" of the one who did not?
It would be enough to make one crazy if they thought they had that kind of control. But ultimately it is to a greater power into who's hand this was placed, and we trust in Him.

Monday, November 21, 2011

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

I recently started working for a company whose mantra for it's work force is:
"Fast, Fun, and Friendly".

There is a lot to be said for living up to those ideals in the retail environment,
but pondering them together it struck me that one does not fits in with the others.
Our society has come to expect it as a sign of excellence. Fast, faster, fastest.

How does that work with friendly?
It is friendly to say "Hi, how are you today", but not have enough time to even
process the answer before running off to the next "important appointment?
Doesn't a nice leisurely chat over a cup of coffee fit in with being friendly a tad more?

How does fast fit in with fun? Of course there are a few activities that may be fun and fast, but I seriously believe that true fun also takes an extended amount of time.
Being fast and moving on to the next thing just seems to devalue the present one.

Getting back to the retail business. How many decades ago was it that retail environment included going to the store for what you needed didn't meant not just material goods. It also included good conversation with the friends, whether it was the store owner, who's reputation and repeat business were built on his friendliness, or friends you met there. Maybe even a game of checkers. Time for friendly and fun.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Technology is such a wonderful thing. Making our life so much easier at the touch of a button or the click of a mouse.  As a writer, one can type a couple hundred words into a document and then decide that one word used repeatedly is just not right. Thanks to some genius mind somewhere we can find the replace function and in two seconds change it to just the right phrase.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could have a replace app for all the misspoken words of our lives? We all have wanted to eat our words at one point or another. Some of us more often then we care to admit.

There is one word that if I could change it would heal wounds, change self concept, and create the most imaginative mind I would have the pleasure of knowing.  To think of what damage one word has caused makes me hang my head in shame.

Change the word stupid to silly.

Hundreds of times, a sweet, innocent, searching, creative mind asked me "What if......." and I would respond with, "Another stupid what if question." Oh strike me dead on this spot! But in defense, it was the way I viewed the question. I thought I had to come up with an answer and I had none. I didn't see the wonderment of the imagination at work with words. My mind doesn't work that way. Maybe I was just to sick to see any silliness in the world.

Forgive me, sweet one, and go ask silly, but very intelligent questions.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Deep in the basement of our own sole are boxes and boxes of experiences. Some are so well hidden and covered with dust that we cannot even see that they are there. Others are right there on top, without a bit of dust, but oh how they are tattered and worn. They are the ones we revisit over and over again. They may be wonderful memories that make us feel warm and happy inside. Others may be old hurts that we just cannot let go of or move beyond. They keep us stuck in the past. Dreaming only of what might have been instead of dreaming of what we can build. The rebuilding process might start by putting aside the familiar boxes and start exploring the hidden ones. In these we just might find treasures in ourselves that were meant to shine. The ones we were actually mean to be. What might stop us from examining them is the hurts that went with them. The reasons they ended up in boxes. Laughed at, put down, or just pronounced as impossible, we packed them away. Be courageous. Go beyond the voices and memories and have a look.

Friday, November 18, 2011

What has been the happiest moment of your life so far?

August  7, 1976

My wedding day.

Happy, glowing, content.
Never a doubt in my mind that this was the right thing.
I was marrying a funny guy, who made me laugh. Something I didn't do too much of before.
I was marrying into a family that loved to do things together, like picnics, vacations, and big family holiday dinners. Something my family never did!
I was marrying a guy who knew my past junk and forgave me for it.
A guy who shagged all my bad tennis balls and didn't complain.
Who joined a bowling team with my parents even though he really didn't bowl.
A guy who loved in a quiet way. And love me he did.

Yes, that was the happiest moment.

Thursday, November 17, 2011



The most colorful of them all hands down is Richard Michael.


Gay and very proud of it!

Loved the arts and gave me a deep appreciation for them as well.
Beautifully big brown eyes that looked at you with more emotion than anyone ever had.
We grew up together, loving and hating each other, sometimes both in the same breath.
Challenged my theology, but never my faith.

Always and forever.....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

One Moment?

What is the moment you leave childhood and enter adulthood?

Can there be a decisive answer to this question? Can it possibly come down to one moment? It is almost like asking what was the precise day, hour, and minute you stopped growing any taller.

The child who was sexually abused, lost childhood. Yet that wasn't the step into adulthood.

The runaways who became responsible for themselves on the street entered adulthood, but still had not enough experience to say childhood was totally left behind. Yet this is where I will begin to answer the impossible question.

Responsibility for yourself. No one to fall back on. No safety net. No excuses. No decoys. Total acceptance of everything you do and each decision you make and the consequence is your own. That is when you become a true adult worthy of the title.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Never to be Repeated

My favorite place will never be repeated.
But I did have it four times in my life, and I thank God for each of them.

My favorite place is more experience.

It is warm and loving.
Giving and receiving.
Invigorating and lazy all at the same time.
Sweet smiles, sweet smells, sweet noises.
It is a huge responsibility with a lifetime of rewards.
It lasts for a year and yet is so brief.

My favorite place is in my rocking chair feeding my little ones and loving them.

Monday, November 14, 2011

A Pair of Roller Skates, A Tricycle and Blood

There was blood everywhere.

Her knees were bleeding. Her face was badly scratched , as well as her hands.
We were having a little fun. Her with her brand new skates and me on my tricycle.

I don't remember who's bright idea it was to hold on to the back and go down the big hill. From the scolding I got after, probably mine. And as you should have figured out, she let go.

From that moment on, I was deeply afraid of roller skates.
For the next decade, I refused to ever put them on my feet.

But love, okay, infatuation, took over.
The guy went roller skating every Sunday night at a nearby rink.
Conquer the fear, win the guy, right?  Not exactly.

But I did become fairly good. Even became a rink guard and learned a few of the dances.

Met a different guy there. But that was sort of a "bloody" mess in the end too.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Something New

New adventure.
New experience.
New job.
Cashiering on Black Friday.
What in the world was I thinking?
Stretch out of the comfort zone.
Smile and have fun.
Then write about it when it is all over.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Loving What You Do

When does loving what you do turn into a burden?

What pressures are put on us that we can no longer enjoy our talents? Are they outside forces or internal ones? When a writer falls behind on the number of pages set to write, does that end the joy of writing and make it become a chore? Not meeting the goals set can mess up the flow, but it shouldn't clog it so much that everything stops. Pressure needs to be used correctly. Plunging is pressure for a clog that sometimes takes more effort than we think we have. Maybe we don't have enough strength on our own. Then we need to ask for help.

Friday, November 11, 2011

3 Wishes

Wishes are for genies who are fictional.
Hope is for those who believe things can be different.
Prayer is for us who have the Truth.
so I pray instead of wish....

To give control back to God.

To never lose my trust.

To love with His eyes.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

What Makes Me Mad

NaBloPoMo prompt for the day asks what our passion is.

Humm....lets start with the definition of passion.
1.  A powerful emotion
2.  Boundless enthusiasm 
3.  An abandoned display of emotion
4.  The sufferings of Jesus; Martyrdom
Diffenately puts the thoughts I had at the first reading the prompt out the window. 
Things like, "I'm passionate about food" or "My passions is reading." 
Don't think that really fits the definitions. 
Emotions---So what makes me cry; what makes me angry; what brings me pure joy?
If we look at what makes us mad, it is probably a good place to start picking apart,  
looking for the true passion that is in us. After all, isn't that what made Jesus come? 
Was it not His anger over sin separating us from Him? We are His passion.
But the question is what is my passion. What makes me angry? 
My kids would probably say, "Everything makes her angry." But they only pay attention to me when I'm angry, so that's what they notice. I tend to be a quiet, reserved person, without too much to say most of the time. Yet when I do get mad, people know it. Everyone knows!
Reflecting on the question that I entitled this blog, I've come to a few conclusions, 
but will only focus on one. My own failure. That is what makes me mad. 
Failure to be what I need to be for those who need me; failure to meet the expectations of those counting on me: failure to be able to express myself so those I love know how much I love each of them. And all those make me cry. 
So the answer to my passion: loving people. Doing that well brings me pure joy.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Home Sweet (Other People's) Home

Today's NaBlogPoMo prompt:"When was the first time you realized your home was not like other people's home?"

Christmas 1957 maybe. I was little, maybe 3 or 4 years old. Family was invited to my uncle's new house. It was big and beautiful. Full of people! Even a small percentage of them wouldn't fit into our house. At least that is how I perceived it. My family never entertained. The grandparents would come over for birthdays and Christmas Eve, but that was the extent of it. Even that was only one set of grandparents,
the other was in Florida, so they never came.

So my little brain was not conscience of the actual difference, but I knew.
There was not a spread of food and drink like this in our home.
The decorations were never as bright and lavish as these were.
Their was no laughter like this gathering had.

Different, very different.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Boring or Blessed?

Today's NaBlogPoMo prompt: "Has anything traumatic ever happened to you?"

Quick answer, no.

That's a good thing, right?
Blessed to have so far escaped traumatic injuries, personal losses, failed relationships.
No bad car wrecks, major health issues, robberies, tornado damage....

But even though none of the BIG stuff has as yet touched my own life, I don't live in a bubble of thinking it can't. Some people close to me have had their life's so altered, and I wouldn't wish their experiences on anyone. Yet somehow, they have grown through them. Is it a blessing to not have moments of trauma? Or is it just boring without chances to grow and be challenged in faith, hope, and love.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Impossible Mission?

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt: How do you balance your children, relationships, and work life?

The all important trick to life. Is it truly possible for anyone to find the truly perfect balance?
There are seasons of life when it is a little easier to come close. When the kids were little and I had more control over their schedules, it seemed doable. But now, they have their own balancing act to try and control. For me to even attempt to mesh them all into one is Mission Impossible.
As far as work life and relationships....well that is easy when most of the people who are in your life are only the ones with whom you work. Thought through the list of people from my past that I might have called friends. About 85% of them were workplace relationships. Now long faded into mere memories of some good times. That is testimony to the fact that keeping the relationships in the balancing act usually fails. At least for me.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Reading is almost an addiction for me. I love books. At this very moment I have
thirty-seven checked out from my local library! Granted, a bunch are reference books,
not intended for reading cover to cover, but still that is probably more than the average person checks out in a year!

Currently I am on a record pace for personal reading in one year. Might even make it to having read one per week. That count doesn't include the daily reads that don't make the finished book list, like my Bible, devotional, newspaper, and blogs.

With all that I read, you would think that I would have a good base for being able to write, yet that just isn't so. I've been mulling this disconnect over in my mind. Could it be that it is too much like a true addiction? Is it similar to drinking wine to just get buzzed instead of drinking a fine wine to savor and enjoy the experience. Do I just rush through the books and on to another without really incorporating what I read with my own thought process? If I truly owned what I read, wouldn't it be easy for my to then put thoughts on paper?

Or is it just that some people really are born with true talent to write and others are not?

Saturday, November 5, 2011


Words strung together to make a sentence. 
Sentences hooked together to make paragraphs. 
Paragraphs pasted together to make a page. 
Pages taped together to make chapters. 
Chapters stitched together to make books.

But I left out the beginning. 
A thought....it all starts with a thought. 
A gift from God to humans alone. 


They can, like everything else humans can do, are capable of good or evil.  

Friday, November 4, 2011

Paper or Keypad?

The prompt today over on the NaBloPoMo is:
When your writing, do you prefer to use paper or the computer?

Hands down--the computer.
I like getting the thought down and then searching for just the right word that really gets the meaning right (hopefully). There are so many words that can just tweak a sentence the right way, so I play with them. With paper it ends up being a scribbled mess. To be honest, sometimes I can't even read my own handwriting. Exception to the rule--personal letters or cards. But even those will have had a first draft before the final products it sent. Then give me beautiful stationary and a fountain pen.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's a Matter of Concentration

NaBloPoMo prompt of the day:Can you listen to music and write?

I can't do anything and listen to music at the same time.
I take that back. I can drive my car, wash dishes, process a huge stack of things needing to be added with an adding machine, mop a floor, fold the laundry.... You get the picture.
But those are mostly internal habits that need no sense of concentration. Yes, even adding a hundred numbers, because that is a skill that I mastered at a young age. But writing, putting words on paper and having them make sense...not my strength. Even reading words in a book or any other form of written material is almost impossible with music on. I might get away with some softer instrumental music, but if it has lyrics, the answer is definitely not.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Last Meal

If I knew that what I ate next would be my last meal, what would I want it to be?

It might be nice to have some exotic delicacy that I've never had before.
Some type of comfort food might be better, bringing with it memories of the past.
But really, what would be important wouldn't be the type of food.
Most important would be with whom this last meal was shared.
Ultimately,  I would want the food to please them.
Share in laughter, good conversation, and just enjoying each other
would be much better than pleasing my taste buds.

Of course, it would all have to be finished up with chocolate!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Challenge Myself

For all you bloggers out there this will probably be pretty pathetic, but I decided to take the  NaBloPoMo challenge. It is doubly challenging because I have an old lap top that has keys that only work right sometimes. But here it goes....

What is my favorite part of writing?

The spoken word is not my friend. I tend to let out words that are not the most appropriate. They fly out with little thought and usually have a devastating effect. As a compensation, I have learned to just be quiet and withdraw to protect myself and others from the pain caused by verbal words from me or to me. So the real thoughts and feelings inside never see the light of day, or reach the heart of the ones I love.

Writing on the other hand gives time to think through the words. Find the right ones, the right combination of them that actually says what I want to say. Doesn't always mean that I'm understood, but at least it comes out a whole lot better than if I hadn't given time and careful consideration to what I really want to communicate. With writing there is a chance, however small, that the real me might actually have a voice.