I can live without anything or anyone, but I cannot live without God!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

A confession from "Thorny"

We are born into situations we never asked for. We grow up with people who are who they are for whatever reasons they experienced. We tend to internalize the temperaments of those we grow up with. Sometimes there are exceptions, but generally we become close to carbon copies.

In my childhood home, I cannot recall any real joy. The closest thing to it would be Christmas. (Might be a clue as to why the past few have been so very hard on me.) The negativity level was high. Frustration level even higher. Fun was practically non-existent.

So when I met a cute, fun loving guy, who's family always seemed to do fun things together (exact opposite of my own) I saw a whole different side of life. Oh how I wanted that to be how the home of my children would be. Happy, stay at home mom, with lots and lots of fun. Problem was, I just wasn't that person.  You can't be something without getting lessons on how to be different.

Here is my confession: I am sorry for being thorny. Sorry for the negativity I really was unaware of. Sorry doesn't change the pain or hurt, but understanding is a place to begin again.

For the Lonely

God can add family when you need them

Message by Beth Moore

Monday, April 16, 2012

Try Harder

There it is again. Almost jumping off the page in that unmistakable aqua ink from a fountain pen. Making one more lash at the fragile ego inside. Forever etching itself into the soul. Every report card from first grade to sixth always had it on the back. What does a grade school principal of the sixties know about A.D.D or Asperger's?
How can she know that she is mutilating a round peg by pounding it into a square hole?
Chiseling away what God put on the round peg and leaving gaps where the square would have fill in.

Fifty years later it is still there, always there: "Try harder, Ruth" V. Demand.

Sweet Vera Demand. Oh she cared for the students of her school so very dearly. If only she knew the hurt she caused. Half a century of "trying harder", always trying harder and never achieving. Never getting anything right. Nothing good enough no matter how hard I try to do it right. Relationships, jobs, personal dreams all bare the scars of those few words.

Years of trying harder has left me numb. Without strength. Almost without hope.

And yet....
My hope is in my Lord.